Pilot/Transcript

Speaker	Dialogue
[1978 at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles, California.]
(Seagulls chirping, waves crashing) (bell rings) (indistinct conversations)
Olivia de Havilland	There was never a rivalry like theirs. For nearly half a century, they hated each other, and we loved them for it. You know, Joan's real name was Lucille LeSueur. The poor thing, she was raised in utter squalor. I mean literally. Scrubbed toilets before coming to Hollywood. At the peak of the Depression - that's when I first started out - she was the woman every man wanted and every woman wanted to be. Many think of her as the greatest star of all time. Now, my dear friend Bette well, she, quite frankly, was the greatest actress Hollywood had ever known. During the war, she played all the best roles, and she played them with a I-I don't know how to say this, but with a ballsy intensity that none of us, actor or actress, would have dared. You know, they only made one film together. And how that happened and what happened afterwards, well well, that was a story and a feud of biblical proportions.
Interviewer	What was behind their feud? Why did they hate each other so much?
Olivia	Feuds are never about hate; feuds are about pain. They're about pain.
[1961 Golden Globe Awards ceremony]
Announcer	Please welcome to the stage, tonight's winner, Miss Marilyn Monroe!
(Sweeping orchestra music plays, cheering and applause)
Joan Crawford	I've got great tits, too, but I don't throw them in everyone's face.
Peter	All right, darling.
Marilyn Monroe	(giggles) Gee. Gosh, I just sure didn't expect this. You know, I always said that, if I was the star, it was because the people made me a star, and You know, when I was a girl, I used to look out into the Hollywood sky and think, "Gosh, I just want to be a movie star," you know? (chuckles) And now I'm part of you. So, thank you so much. Gosh, I should try to thank some people, huh? I'm just so bad at remembering names.
[Ext. Joan Crawford's residence]
(Car door closes) (doorbell rings)
Hedda Hopper	Hedda Hopper for Joan.
Mamacita	Miss Crawford is occupied.
Hedda	She's had enough time to sleep it off. Announce me.
[Upstairs int. Joan Crawford's residence]
Joan	Is there anything we can do about these lines? I'm afraid I'm gonna be served for Thanksgiving dinner.
Nonah	The best you can do for this? High collars. Turtle neck for turkey neck.
Joan	Christ, Nonah, can't you give me some hope? Ugh.
Nonah	You know how it is: Men age, they get character; women age, they get lost.
(knocks on door)
Joan	What?
Mamacita	I'm sorry, Miss Joan. Hedda Hopper's downstairs.
Joan	(quietly) Oh, Jesus.
[Downstairs int. Joan Crawford's residence]
Joan	Hedda. (chuckles) You know I never receive unscheduled guests, not even my children.
(Both chuckle)
Joan	But here you are.
Hedda	Well, you ran out of the Globes last night before I could get a quote.
Joan	Did I? Mamacita? Coffee. Well, it was a marvelous event. I do so appreciate the foreign press. They've been so very kind to me.
Hedda	I didn't come here for the boilerplate, Joan. From what I hear, you stumbled out of there in a drunken fit.
[Flashback.]
Joan (flashback)	I'm gonna go back inside.
Peter (flashback)	Baby...
Joan	Well, you know how those award dinners can be.
Joan (flashback)	Stop it!
Joan	I must've eaten something that disagreed with me.
Hedda	Crow?
Joan (flashback)	(grunts)
Hedda	Had to have been pretty galling, watching the foreign press fawn all over Monroe like that.
[Flashback ends.]
Joan	Hedda, you know, when I'm out in public events like that, I only drink Pepsi-Cola. I am the brand ambassador.
Hedda	I don't know why you keep plugging that shitty sugar water. Word is, since Al died, the board isn't paying your bills anymore, and you're having to sell your custom Billy Haines furniture piece by piece just to keep the lights on.
Joan	You wouldn't print those lies.
Hedda	Got to print something.
Joan	All right, then print this: "Joan Crawford, after mourning the passing of her husband, the beloved Alfred Steele, is ready to get back to work."
Hedda	Oh, come on, Joan. Give me a quote. You know my readers would be fascinated with hearing the thoughts of yesterday's it girl about today's.
Joan	There can only be room for one it girl. Is that right?
Hedda	Well, men built the pedestal, darling, not me. There's only room for one goddess at a time.
Joan	Well, men may have built the pedestal, but it's the women who keep chipping away at it until it comes tumbling down.
Hedda	So what's it gonna be, honey? A quote on Monroe, or am I gonna have to write about how a valet saw you stumble into a Cadillac?
Joan	All right.
Hedda	(chuckles) Good.
Joan	I think that Marilyn Monroe and the vulgarity of her clothing and pictures is ruining this great industry that I love. People don't want to see stars like Monroe in pictures, they want their stars to be wholesome, with good morals. Like me.
Hedda	That's not the only difference between you and her. She's getting roles.
[Int. Marty's office]
Marty	What's this about?
Joan	This, my friend, is the Academy Award for Best Actress I won in 1945 for Mildred Pierce. And I would like another one. And do you know what I need, Marty, to make that happen? A great script. I want to work now that Al's dead. I want to work, Marty. I need to work.
Marty	I sent you a great script four months ago, Joan. You did it, and you were wonderful in it.
Joan	No. It was a pilot. I had to do my own makeup, and it wasn't even picked up to series.
Marty	Joan, how about this, let me read everything that's out there, send over the highlights. You go through the pile and find something that excites you.
[Int. Joan Crawford's residence]
Marty	(Over the phone) Joanie!
Joan	I can't play Elvis' grandmother. I won't do it. Maybe you better send me some other scripts.
Marty	That's all I have, Joan. That's all they're making.
Joan	Marty, I am an actress, I want to act. I'm at the top of my game right now.
Marty	Then you need to find a project yourself, 'cause the roles just aren't out there.
[Int. Bookstore]
Clerk	May I help you?
Mamacita	I need books.
Clerk	Was there a particular title you were interested in?
Mamacita	Anything with ladies on the cover.
[Int. Joan Crawford's residence]
(Door opens) (sighs) (door closes)
Joan	Oh, Mamacita. Good.
Mamacita	That's all they had. I could try Encino next. Unless you found something you like.
Joan	Everything written for women seem to fall into just three categories: ingénues, mothers, or gorgons.
Mamacita	So where does that leave you?
Joan	We'll find something. No, no, Mamacita, nothing Sapphic.
Mamacita	I ran into the gardeners outside. They want to know when they'll get paid. We owe them two months.
Joan	What did you tell them?
Mamacita	That it was an honor to prune Miss Crawford's bush and to shut up.
Joan	(sighs) These are lean times, Mamacita, but we'll get through them.
Mamacita	This one is about a baby.
Joan	Which pile, "mothers"? (sighs)
[Sodom and Gomorrah set]
(soundstage bell rings)
Robert Aldrich	And action! Cut! Cut! Plywood. You get them plywood in there
Crew Members	- Plywood. Plywood. - Plywood.
Bill Aldrich	Dad, you're needed in the control center, pronto.
Crew Members	Plywood. Plywood!
[Int. Office]
Robert	If I make another sandal saga, put a bullet in my head.
Pauline Jameson	Eva Braun's on the horn. I told her you're busy, but she keeps calling back.
Robert	Gretchen, my love. How's my little strudel? What? No, no, you can't come down here today. Why? Because my kids are working on the set, that's why. What if word got back to my wife? Yeah. I'll call you back. Christ. She wants to be in the movie now.
Pauline	Well, that's because she knows the only time you really pay attention to a woman is when she's in front of your camera.
Robert	This movie we're making, Pauline, it is a piece of crap. Hey, what about that espionage script?
Pauline	Oh, no, stinko. I know who did it on page three. But this one This one has potential. Horror/thriller, two broads, former movie stars. A cripple and her crazy sister battling it out in their Hollywood home.
Robert	(sighs) A horror picture? Hitch just did it with Psycho. Still raking it in.
Pauline	But even better, Baby Jane has one set. It's a very small cast. You can have final cut. You can produce this yourself. Face it, Bob, Ben-Hur has already been done.
Robert	Where'd you get this?
Pauline	Oh, it came by messenger, special delivery. Along with this.
[Ext. Joan Crawford's residence]
Boy	Miss Crawford?
Joan	Yes?
Boy	Special delivery.
("Autumn Leaves" by Nat King Cole playing) (engine starts) (car door closes, car departs)
Mamacita	She's expecting you. She's expecting you on the patio.
[Joan Crawford's patio]
Joan	Bob. Tea?
Robert	If we're gonna talk business, I'm gonna need a real drink.
Joan	Sally, dear, will you go in the house and see if Mamacita needs any help?
Robert	One of your fans?
Joan	Well, if they're going to hang around all day, I'm going to put them to work.
Robert	So, are we gonna make this picture?
Joan	If you can satisfy my demands.
Robert	Can anybody, Joanie? We did pretty well the last time. Autumn Leaves made millions. It would have made a million more if you'd gotten off your goddamn high horse and let me mess you up a little.
Joan	It would have made $2 million more if you'd gotten me Brando. Now, you listen to me on this picture. I'll get you the perfect costar.
Robert	Who do you have in mind?
[Royale Theater; The Night of Iguana stage play]
Man	I didn't know the patrona had turned to a widow, a sort of bright widow spider.
(applause)
Bette Davis	Cocktails, anybody?
(laughter)
Woman	No, thank you, Mrs. Faulk. I don't believe we'll have any.
Man	They don't serve cocktails between the fish and the entree, Maxine, honey.
Woman	Mercilessly accurate, Mr. Shannon.
Man	But when I asked you for one, you offered it to me without a sign of reluctance.
Woman	Aren't you making a large point out of a small matter?
Man	Just the opposite, honey. I'm making a small point out of a very large matter. Where'd you learn how to light a match in the wind?
Woman	Oh, I've learned lots of useful little things along the way. I only wish I'd learned some big ones.
Man	Such as what?
Woman	How to help you, Mr. Shannon.
Man	Now I know why I've come here.
Woman	So you can meet someone who knows how to light a match in the wind?
(applause)
[Backstage]
(Man coughs, knocks on door)
Bette	What?!
Security Guard	There's a lady here to see you.
Bette	Who is it?
Security Guard	Joan Crawford.
Bette	You're fucking kidding me.
Joan	Bette.
Bette	Lucille, what the hell brings you to the theater?
Joan	Well, you, of course. Oh, you were wonderful tonight. You lit up the stage. I can't believe you didn't get better reviews. New York critics, they don't like us Hollywood people coming in, taking over their town. I say screw 'em.
Bette	Make it quick, Lucille, I've got a car waiting to take me to the country.
Joan	Guess what, Bette. I have finally found the perfect project for the two of us. It's always been my dream to work with you. Do you remember how I begged Jack Warner to put us together in Ethan Frome?
Bette	With Mr. Gary Cooper.
Joan	You do remember.
Bette	You wanted to play the pretty young servant girl, and I was to play the old hag of a wife. Forget it.
Joan	But this is different. These are the parts of a lifetime.
Bette	No, thanks, Lucille. I've got plenty of better offers.
Joan	(chuckles) Bullshit. I know what kind of offers you've been getting. Exactly none, because the same is true for me. They're not making women's pictures anymore. Not the kind we used to make.
Bette	It's all cyclical. They'll come back in fashion.
Joan	But we won't. If something's going to happen, we have to make it happen. No one's looking to cast women our age. But together, they wouldn't dare say no. We need each other, Bette.
Bette	So what the hell happened to her anyway, Baby Jane?
Joan	Read it. Find out. Oh, I-I'm offering you the title role.
Bette	The lead?
Joan	You can call it that.